Aly | GAY | 26 | Texas
thank you and goodbye
You can detox from social media and still use tumblr the same way some people can be sober and still smoke weed you just have to use it therapeutically
I try to stay low key and private. Not to be secretive. But to guard my energy. No one needs to know any and everything about what you got going on.
The worst pain is still being in love with someone but not being with them. Having to love them from a distance. Having to close the chapter you never wanted to end.
“ First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons–but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries … It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his [or her] beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him [or her] only pain. ”
Carson McCullers, from The Ballad of the Sad Café: and Other Stories (Houghton Mifflin, 1951)
It’s an issue
My brain
the way it turns into a milky dew of thoughts and emotions
rerouting the flow of chemicals and serotonin always cycling the same trail on the map seeking out ways to break my own heart
as if the familiarity of lows is almost comfortable
I recognize that I keep everyone at a distance
Opening up corner hallways in who I am and sharing the smallest bits as a means to protect myself
as if I won’t mentally unplug the wires inside at night and disconnect from the world
I am aware of my faults and I am aware of the talents I have that leave an impression on people
Yet, I always reach for my own hand before anyone else’s
I settle in the comfort of discomfort inside my own mind
I am aware of my internal need to distract from my well being with a smile and humor
redirecting attention I do not wish to have
Perhaps it’s habitual to come home to myself alone
To lock the door and settle in that milky dew of chemicals
I know I need to do better at welcoming the outside in
I’m aware I need to seek comfort outside of myself
Away from the contentious routine of isolation and distractions
I will do better
I will go after the things I want and stop limiting the curiosities I find
I’ll kiss the girl I found pretty on a Tuesday evening and stretch my limbs to the sky after a run
I will admit when my mind is too loud and crowded
I will chase after life in the smallest and largest ways until I’m laughing so hard my jaw hurts
Today I’ll choose to live
ARH // It’s an Issue, but I’ll Fix it